playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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