Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
i believe in u and ur pee
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
