upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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