When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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