He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
