i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
my phone needs a breathalizer
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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