He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
