Swine flu. Run for my life!
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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