I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
