Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
