Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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