i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
