apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
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