Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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