I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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