Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
