Apparently you make a good broom.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
