You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
