I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us�
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
