The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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