so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
