Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
