apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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