we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
