I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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