I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
