Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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