I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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