My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
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