a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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