i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
i think my cat just said my name.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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