I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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