My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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