Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
