Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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