They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
