im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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