Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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