I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
How drunk are you?
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