dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
