Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
