I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
