hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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