I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Barsexuality is the new black.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
