I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Enjoy the penises
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Sex in the backyard? Check.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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