remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
