when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
This is the prime rib incident all over again
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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