She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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