Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
