There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
third nipple confirmed
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
